Beat the bullies: we get the expert eye on what all parents need to know

Every school day there are thousands of students who wake up and dread going to school because they are afraid. The number of students who have been relentlessly bullied, even to the point of suicide, has increased at an alarming rate. Recently it was reported that another schoolgirl was driven to suicide after being anonymously bullied on a popular social networking website in Britain.

School bullies have been around a long time. But now, cyberbullies can torment their victims anywhere, 24-hours a day, and with just a few clicks the humiliation can be witnessed publicly. Cyberbullying occurs when the internet, emails, text messages, instant messaging, social media websites, online forums, chat rooms, or other digital technology is used to harass, threaten, or humiliate another person. There are no limits to cyberbullying, because it can follow the victim anywhere so that nowhere – not even home – ever feels safe.

Some children keep things to themselves. How can I tell if my child is being bullied?

A parent or teacher may not notice when a child is being bullied since it often occurs away from adult supervision. Not to mention, those who are bullied are more likely to suffer alone in silence than to expose themselves to additional shame.

Some children may find it hard to talk about it, and may not respond well to direct questioning. Instead, try to ask questions about their day, see if their behaviour has changed, notice how they’re feeling and give them time and opportunities to talk to you. If your child has difficulties in explaining what is happening, he or she may exhibit physical symptoms that lead to frequent medical complaints and/or absenteeism. He or she can become so anxious about going to school the next morning that they try to avoid it at all costs.

Some warning signs to look for:

• Avoids technology use or displays distress after online usage
• Withdrawal from family, friends, and activities they previously enjoyed
• An unexplained drop in grades
• Refusal to go to school or to specific classes, or avoids group activities
• Changes in mood, behaviour, sleep, appetite, or shows signs of depression or anxiety.

Bullying is not something that children will just naturally outgrow. If you discover your child is being bullied, have open-ended conversations where you can learn more about what is really going on so that you can take the appropriate steps. Most importantly, let your child know you will help him/her until something can be done on an administrative level.

Teach your child how to handle being bullied by practicing scenarios at home where your child learns how to ignore a bully and/or develop assertive strategies for coping with bullying. Help your child identify teachers and friends that can support them at school.

To prevent cyberbullying from escalating:

• Don’t respond to the message
• Parents should report bullying to the school
• Document the evidence and report any threatening text messages, emails or posts on websites to the police
• In short, ignore the message, but don’t ignore the problem.

It can come as a shock to learn, but what do I do if my child is the bully?

“My child would never be a bully.” All parents want to see the best in their children, so it can be difficult for any parent to learn that their child is bullying others. Your child needs to hear from you explicitly that bullying is not an acceptable form of behaviour. Children who repeatedly bully others tend to have increased depression, anger, and conflict into adulthood, and parents who deny the possibility that their child is capable of being hurtful make it harder for children to get the help they need.

The good news is that all children make mistakes; it’s a part of growing up. Start by determining why your child is bullying – do they believe it elevates their social status? Or might they have learned this behaviour from somewhere? A teacher or counsellor may be able to help with this process. Once you get a handle on why the behaviour is occurring, you can then help your child come up with alternate behaviours and avoid potential long-term effects.

Prevention

Short of cutting off children’s access to social media, educate them and yourself about cyberbullying and teach your children not to respond to, or forward threatening emails. “Friend” your child on Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace, and set up boundaries on technology. Promote appropriate netiquette skills. Parents should discuss bystander behaviour as well, encouraging children to block communication with cyberbullies, to speak out against bullying if they witness it and to report it to the appropriate trusted adult.

 

Dr. Robin Li-Liang is a counseling psychologist from the US specialising in anxiety and other emotional issues. Over the years, she has counseled people from all walks of life, from teenagers to returning American soldiers from Iraq with post-traumatic stress disorders. Dr. Robin earned her Ph.D in counseling psychology from Fordham University, as well as two Masters’ degrees from Columbia University. Robin practices at the Stanley Wellness Centre and for more information please see www.stanleywellnesscentre.com.