Many people go through a period of not wanting to have sex. But being in a totally sexless relationship is a sign something might need to change
I want to tell you something. If you don’t want to have sex anymore, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. It’s common. It’s not unusual. You’re not alone and you are not broken.
Got it? Right. Now we can all relax.
Depending on the research criteria, 30% to 50% of couples are in sexless relationships, and a study that followed couples over 30 years showed that a whopping 75% reported a decline in bedroom activity over time. No matter what the cause is, not wanting to have sex is something that almost every woman will experience at some point in her life.
Why should you care about your low libido?
We all have our reasons for wanting or not wanting sex at various points in our lives. Sometimes they coincide with our partner’s own fluctuations and sometimes they don’t. But if it’s long lasting, I do encourage you do dig a little deeper and get to the root cause, as there can be different underlying issues. It’s not an issue if both people in the relationship no longer want to have sex, but what if one person does and the other doesn’t?!
There is only so much rejection one person can take. Eventually, all the rejection will lead to them stop making an effort altogether and will create insecurities in one or both partners. Talk about what role you think you’re playing in the drop in frequency and ask your partner what they think and feel about the situation.
Five Hidden Causes That Can Affect Your Sex Life:
Physical: Suffering from a biomechanical issue, scar tissue, injury or other bodily ailment.
If you have had a car accident, surgery, an emergency C-section, or your childbirth was a physical or emotional trauma, all of these can create obstacles to your sexual health and pleasure. Especially if you experience pain during intercourse, go and seek a medical practitioner who can refer you to the right treatment. Even a trip to the chiropractor can do wonders! (I recommend going to Dr Susan Jamieson who runs a medical clinic that covers it all.)
Chemical: Suffering from a change in your personal biochemistry or chemistry with your partner.
Hormones are huge! Especially after giving birth (and, later, when going through menopause), your hormones will fluctuate. Get your hormone levels checked out by going to your general practitioner and ask to have a blood test that includes having your oestrogen and progesterone levels measured. There are great herbs and tonics out there that can help restore your hormones. Vitamin D and vitamin B supplements will help restore oestrogen. I also recommend visiting a naturopath to help you get back on track with your health.
Stress, poor diet and medication are big factors in low libido, too. Also, after just two years of being together with the same person, it’s natural that your chemistry changes and requires more effort to keep intimacy alive.
Emotional: Suffering from past or current emotional trauma, shame, resentment or disconnection from your sexuality and depression.
Post-natal depression, a painful divorce, affairs, parents talking about sex in a shameful way – these are all factors that affect your pleasure and intimacy in the bedroom. Healing emotions and removing sexual shadows will help to open up and restore your sensual pleasure. There can be something very deep that may have happened that will transfer the emotions over into the body, where it will freeze and go into fight or flight mode. Seeing a professional to release these emotions can be very beneficial.
Energetic: Suffering from unexplainable issues such as sensitivity to lights or computers (electromagnetic force from these objects).
You may not realise it, but any device that transforms energy into electrical energy can affect your overall wellbeing. Just think how often you use your electrical devices such as your smart phone, tablet, laptop and even the television within the confines of your bedroom.
Switch off your phone and any other electrical devices in the bedroom. Doing so can definitely help to enhance your libido and decrease the “negative energy”.
Dynamics: Masculine/Feminine dynamics and polarity
Now I don’t want to get too deep but it’s worth highlighting that the rather intricate dynamics between masculine and feminine energy can play a role in your desire to have sex with your partner.
For example, if you want your man to be strong, have leadership qualities and take action in the relationship and the bedroom, but you still want to control him and everything that surrounds you, then you’ll find it hard to surrender to intimate pleasure. This kind of behaviour tends to disrupt the balance within your relationship and creates confusion.
Or maybe the opposite is true for you where you unintentionally de-masculinise your partner and he becomes this nice guy who does everything for you. You’re feeling confident that he would never cheat and he’s open with his feelings. But his vulnerability and willingness to please can have you saying ‘no thanks’ and you’re not interested in sex anymore.
Another common polarity in energy I find is when one person takes on the role of being the mother, the wife, the caretaker and leading the household. As a result that person may find it hard to switch off all these nurturing roles and step into the role of the sexy, sensual woman.
How to reconnect and bring sex back into your relationship:
You are reading this article because you care and you want to find out why you no longer want to have sex with your partner. The first step is admitting you are willing to create a change.
Sexuality and relationships are complex, and there are no easy answers. It’s not good or bad to have a high, a medium or a low libido. You like what you like, but if you don’t speak up about what you want, you can’t expect the other person to know. Opening the doorway and talking about it will create empathy and understanding, which is an important step to recreating a connection.
Here are some ways to go about it:
Take The Pressure Off
In a relationship we seek security, novelty, mystery and acceptance. Sex is hard to get right, especially for women. I believe it’s so important to start by taking the pressure off sex first. You are still in a relationship, and you got this far, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Set the goal to not have sex but to recreate an intimate connection. Start by first making some time for each other, have some laughter, and do some eye gazing. Trust me, these are all aphrodisiacs.
Sex Without Intercourse
When you are ready, have sex but remove the intercourse part and work on finding each other’s arousal and pleasure spots. It allows you to slow down and explore deeper. This can remove the stress of wondering if your partner wants sex, or you want each other, and decide to just try to enjoy each other instead. It can be a powerful experience.
Understand Your Sex Language
Understanding your own sex language and learning your personal erotic blueprint shows you how you’re erotically wired. Learning how to understand your own desires provides you with compassion and understanding about each other’s sexual needs and turn-ons. Take this quiz and discover your erotic blueprint type.
Think of your erotic blueprint as a road map. It shows you where to go, what to do and what not to do. It’s a guide that gives you information about skill sets you need to take things to the next level. It teaches you your erotic love language with which to communicate compassionately leading you to a clearer path to pleasure.
It’s possible for everyone to have a harmonious and connected partnership. We all deserve to have that in our lives, including you.