Forget The Birds And The Bees: I Need To Prepare My Kids For The World Of Sex

Sex education started early for my kids. No big reveal, just honest, awkward, funny conversations. Here’s my experience with small children.

I’m a pretty open-minded woman. An unconventional childhood means nothing much shocks me. So I was not at all prepared for the profound, giggle-inducing, sweat-around-the-temples embarrassment I’ve found when using the word “vulva” in front of my kids. I’m pressing on regardless as, in my opinion, any conversation that prepares them for the complicated world of sex is worth the mortification.

Let’s not pretend that people have the birds and the bees chat anymore. How can they? In a world where free porn is just a click away, those sniggering playground chats are unlikely to be about Pokemon. As parents we need to prepare and protect our children from so many things, but I would argue that sex and bodily autonomy come top of the agenda.

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What Language Should We Be Using?

Now boys get pretty friendly with their penises early on. The word “penis” began to pop up more in our house around the age of 18 months. Mostly “Maybe don’t play with your penis in front of the delivery guy” type of thing. Erections make an appearance super early, so we’ve also had lots of discussions about leaving “crunchy” penises alone otherwise they’ll stay uncomfortable. Now that we also have a girl, we’ve talked more about breasts as I breastfed my daughter and had my nips out a lot. But it is the word “vulva” that’s been a stumbling block. The alternatives to anatomically correct wording however seem ludicrous and misleading — who even realises what a “tuppence” is outside of Victorian England? Some parents are comfortable using pet names, but an increasing number of health professionals link correct terminology to good sex education and empowering children in cases of abuse.

So, armed with his knowledge of anatomy, my son — now aged 3 — likes to differentiate boys and girls. Long conversations are had about whether the bus driver, Paddington or his best mate at school have a penis or a vulva. I still cringe a little but I feel we’re off to a good start and it has made conversations around consent easier.

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How Can We Talk About Consent?

My two kids love to play rough and tumble, and most nights bathe together. We therefore have had to establish rules around body awareness and respect. The terms we use in our home are pretty simple, we talk about “our bodies”, “our space” and “no right to touch”. I’ve also held firm on not making our kids hug/kiss/high-five anyone they don’t want to. I always ask them first if they’d like to, and we’re pretty clear that a simple “hello” is enough. Right now I have some control over the people they interact with, and I know that won’t always be the case, so the best I can do is teach them to respect their own bodies, and everyone else’s.

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Explaining Reproduction

My two are so close together in age that my son barely registered that I was pregnant with his sister. But now pregnant photos of me are met with a lot of questions, mostly around how could he and his sister both fit in there at the same time. We talk about how I grew them both, and how they came out of my vagina, but as of yet he hasn’t probed too deeply on how they both came to be. For now I’m sticking with the uncomplicated answer of “Me and Papa simply made you”. But he’s still only 3 years old, we have a whole heap of things left to discuss in terms of reproduction.

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What’s Age Appropriate Sex Education?

Sex education for children is a constant mental reevaluation of what might be age-appropriate. Honestly your fellow parents are such an amazing resource, especially those with older children. Most of my friends have started the conversation early, which limits the embarrassment factor and prepares kids for what would otherwise be a terrifying fall from childhood-innocence (and most likely all wrong if from the mouths of other babes). As kids get older, my friends just want the conversation to continue to be had; awkwardness isn’t the issue, secrecy is much scarier.

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Keeping The Conversation Open

In the next few years, the questions will start getting keener, and as my daughter grows there will be different subjects entirely: periods, pregnancy, unwanted male gaze. I am determined to be the first port-of-call, because as Jameela Jamil so wisely puts it, “Learning to have sex from porn is like learning how to drive from “The Fast and The Furious”. A bloody horrendous idea.” I want our house to be free of judgement. A space where sex isn’t such a taboo that we can talk about the joy of it. Where our bodies aren’t sites of shame, but stunning creations. If we start early, accurately and without (too much) embarrassment, we can forget the birds and bees, who can even remember the metaphor anyway?

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