Etiquette For Friends Going Through IVF: Do’s And Don’ts

Having a baby comes with challenges, and sometimes the process of trying to conceive is part of that difficult journey. For couples going through IVF, unwavering support from their community can mean the world. Here’s what you should (and shouldn’t) say and do.

Date, get married, have children. It sounds simple enough, but does not come so naturally or easily for couples. New mamas, have you ever noticed one of your friends getting a little quiet when you share about your new bundle of joy? They’re happy for you no doubt, but your baby might also be a raw reminder of the struggles they are going through to conceive. With in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) becoming more common these days, here’s how to be there for your friends going through it.

1. Let them come to you

Sadly, IVF does hold a certain stigma in society. However, one thing’s for sure: having IVF is nothing to be ashamed of; the couple just needs a little more help, just like many mamas do in so many other areas of our lives.

Give your friends time to share at their own pace, and respect their privacy. Recognise that they will share if and when they’re ready, and if not, that’s completely okay! Avoid asking about their appointment schedule, or how the process is going — unless they offer that information themselves. You should also never share what they tell you with others, as it’s their story to tell.

Read more: Hong Kong IVF: What To Know About Assisted Reproductive Technology In Hong Kong

2. Simply be there

The single most comforting thing you can do as a friend is just to be there. Lend an empathetic ear, or simply be a steady presence in their lives. Things you can say include “You don’t have to say anything, but just know that I’m here for you”.

Sometimes, when you’re trying to respect your friends’ privacy, you inadvertently end up disappearing from their lives. However, this difficult time is when they need you more than ever. Don’t stop doing the things you usually do together: go for dinner, have a good chat over a meal or a  workout. Sometimes, it helps your friends have something to focus on other than their struggles.

In fact, it’s all about the little gestures. You could have their favourite food delivered so they won’t have to think about what to cook, or book a bonding activity like a pottery session for the couple. IVF can unfortunately take a strain on the relationship, and they’ll appreciate time together without the stress of conceiving.

Read more: Rekindle the Romance With a Day-Time Date

3. Be more intentional with your questions

Besides the generic “How are you feeling?” questions, you could ask open-ended questions like “How can I help?”, or “Is there any way I can support you on this journey?”. Avoid cliches like “If it’s meant to be, it will happen”, and stay away from giving unsolicited advice like “Perhaps you’re too stressed, all you need to do is relax”. In fact, the worst question you can ask is “Are you pregnant yet?” This may end up making your friend feel inadequate and more stressed about the timeline.

4. Keep an open mind and do your research

There’s nothing more meaningful than showing you’re invested in their process. Read up on IVF which, if anything, will reduce the number of technical questions you have to ask. It’ll also reduce the explaining your friends have to do. Simply knowing that you took the time and effort to research will mean more than anything.

5. Avoid toxic positivity

Unfortunately, at times, well-intentioned comments may end up have the reverse effect. When your friends share they’re embarking on an IVF journey, try to avoid celebrating the start of the process. This could give your friends false hope, and make it hard for them to share potential failures. Don’t add pressure with statements like “I’m sure you’ll be successful” or “You’ll be pregnant before you know it”.

7. Hold space for their grief

What many people don’t realise is that the pain of a failed IVF cycle or miscarriage is real, as it means that the couple has lost a baby  they’ve wished incredibly hard for. Recognise this pain, and give the couple time and space to grieve.

8. Connect them with others

Nothing helps more than the solace and comfort one gets from others who are experiencing the same thing. If you have other friends who are going through IVF, it never hurts to ask if they’d like to connect and share their experiences.

Read more: Making Friends in Hong Kong: How to Meet New People as Parents