That Mama: Chef May Chow On Building A Family Based On Love, Not Permission

Hong Kong chef and queer icon May Chow opens up to Sassy Mama about sleep deprivation, queer familyhood and raising daughter Rae Rae with joy and unshakeable pride.

May Chow has never done things the conventional way. The award-winning chef and Little Bao founder has long been one of Hong Kong’s most fearless creative forces and LBGTQ+ advocates, but nothing, she admits, quite prepared her for motherhood — and its challenges and joys. Now, six months into life with daughter Rae Rae, born to her and partner Joya, Chow speaks to Sassy Mama candidly about the exhaustion, the emotion and the extraordinary gift of building a family she once never imagined possible. This Pride Month, her story is one of hard-won hope.

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It’s been over 6 months since you welcomed your baby into the world. Looking back at this whole journey, how has this experience shaped who you are, both as a person and as a couple?

May Chow: Haha, I think it’s still a bit early to say it’s fully shaped who I am. But it has been a magical experience. I never really wanted children before, or maybe more accurately, I never felt I had the opportunity to seriously explore it. So being able to build a family with Joya has been both unexpected and a real gift. What really opened my eyes was realising that progressive parental rights made this possible in the first place. Before that, I hadn’t really thought having my own family was something that was available to me. I’m incredibly grateful for Joya, our family and for Rae Rae who entered this world so loved.

As a couple, I think we’ve become more intentional. I’m in my 40s now. I worry less about a lot of the day-to-day things and think more about where we’re headed. We try to keep our Tuesday date nights. Sometimes we miss them. Sometimes weeks go by. But we always come back to them. I’ve read a lot about relationships, and one thing that has always stuck with me is that, at the end of this lifetime, Joya is the person I will have spent the most time with. Joya and I both care a lot about our own work and creative lives. She has a full-time career in tech while making music, filming music videos and now acting. I’ve been working on a cookbook. We still have dreams, and we’re living them alongside parenthood, not instead of it. I hope Rae Rae grows up seeing that. Not that being a parent means giving up who you are, but that it’s possible to build a family while still continuing to grow, create and pursue the things that matter to you.

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You’ve spoken before about navigating the legal landscape as a queer family in Hong Kong. Now that your child is here, what are the real, day-to-day realities of building and protecting your family?

May: There’s always going to be a reality where our family looks different. I’ve made peace with that. What has genuinely moved me is how much community already exists here. I was invited into a Rainbow Family WhatsApp group with 158 members and 86 children. For us, that was enough to know we are not alone. I was quite an outsider for much of my childhood, so I understand that loneliness personally. That experience doesn’t leave you, but it gives you something useful. So Joya and I focus on making sure Rae Rae grows up in places where she feels loved and doesn’t have to defend who she is. And if she does need to defend herself one day, whether because of ignorance or simply because people don’t know better, I want her to have the confidence, resilience and sense of self to handle it. I feel incredibly lucky because she’s surrounded by people who love her deeply. She’ll grow up knowing that.

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You’ve always been someone who defies expectations. But parenthood has a way of surfacing new vulnerabilities. What has been the hardest thing you weren’t fully prepared for?

May: It’s funny, because the first thing that hits you is the body. I gained close to 40 pounds during my pregnancy, and I won’t pretend that that was easy. Getting used to looking different, feeling different and still showing up every day in the kitchen and in life took more adjustment than I expected. But the real test was the sleep deprivation. For the first 45 days, Rae Rae could only fall asleep if someone was holding her, so our entire household ended up running on a 24-hour rotation. In those first weeks I was probably getting two hours of sleep a day, if that. There were moments when I hit a wall without even realising it, and then you just keep going because there’s really no alternative. Then, came the sleep regression and she was waking up every hour. At a certain point you’re just not operating at your best. You’re not as sharp, not as patient and I could feel that.

A big part of how I lead is being present and measured, and suddenly those things took so much more effort. One thing I was sure about from the start though was that I didn’t want to bring that exhaustion into work. So, I was back to training in the gym by the end of January, just two and a half months after giving birth in November. Going to the gym wasn’t really about balance for me but instead about feeling like myself again. When I’m physically strong, everything else tends to follow. Looking back, it was a tough season, but like most things, you get through it one day at a time.

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Your child is growing up in a world where your family looks different from many others around them. How are you and Joya nurturing their sense of identity and self-worth from the very beginning?

May: The most important thing for us is that Rae Rae constantly feels loved, and that she never has to defend who she is or where she comes from. That starts at home and extends into every community we choose to be part of. She is so well-loved already. Her cousins adore her. Both sides of our family have been incredible. I feel so lucky. The world she is coming into is genuinely not the world I grew up in and that fills me with real hope. We’re not raising her to be sheltered. We’re raising her to be strong! Joya and I have both navigated being outsiders in our own ways and that becomes something you want to pass on not from a place of hurt, but as wisdom or encouragement.

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You’ve talked about the importance of community. As public figures in Hong Kong and queer parents, what do you hope your story gives to those who are at the beginning of their journey?

May: Luckily, in Hong Kong, you are definitely not alone. That’s why Joya and I chose to be public about our family and our story — deliberately, knowing it’s a privilege not everyone has. I hope that people feel there are good people out there. Whether that’s immediate family or a community you find later in life, we all deserve to be loved, and I believe most people have good intentions. We’re a family trying to live a life that is meaningful and contributes. That’s what we constantly try to show.

For anyone still at the beginning of their journey, remember that good people exist. Families like ours exist. There is a quieter, fuller life available to you and you deserve to be in it, loved completely, exactly as you are. Personally, I’d point to anyone who wants to understand or support this space towards Hong Kong Marriage Equality, they are doing incredible work that makes lives like ours possible.

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This Pride month, if you could say one thing to your child about what Pride means, and what kind of world you’re hoping to build for them, what would that be?

May: Pride is an interesting word and one I’ve been thinking more about this year from a different perspective. For me, it comes down to three things. First, it’s about being proud of who we are as individuals — truly and completely. Second, pride requires a foundation: a belief that certain things in this world are fundamental rights, and that belief has to mean something. And third, pride needs to be lived and defended. To be proud is also a privilege. It means we get to live openly and extend that to others. So to be able to be proud is something built over generations by people who fought so that we could stand here and say it out loud. What I want for Rae Rae is simple. I want her to move through the world knowing she belongs in it as she is. That her family is a foundation and not one that comes with an asterisk. That the love she was born into is something she will one day give to others. That is the world Joya and I are building together, one where she never has to earn her place, and where pride, despite its roots, doesn’t feel like a protest but simply a life, lived fully and unapologetically.

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