Why Date Nights Aren’t Enough — How To Reignite Intimacy And Excitement

Keeping the fire ignited in marriage requires more upkeep than booking the odd date night. Discover expert strategies to deepen your connection and bring lasting joy to your relationship.

In the whirlwind of modern family life, keeping the spark alive in a marriage can often feel like an uphill battle. Between managing kids, careers and countless day-to-day responsibilities, intimacy often slips down the priority list. To explore how couples can break free from the routine of standard date nights and deepen their connection, seasoned relationship therapist Brenton Surgenor shares insight on how couples can reignite passion and avoid falling into a relationship rut. 

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The Pitfalls of Traditional Date Nights

Date nights are widely celebrated as the cure-all for fading romance. Yet Brenton warns that they often become a trap rather than a solution. He says, “Many couples fall into a pattern of doing date night every Friday, but what does that night often turn into? Talking about kids, work or household chores — if that’s the case, is it really a date night?”

Too often, these encounters devolve into logistical updates or even veiled arguments. “If you’re criticising each other over dinner, you aren’t connecting — you’re just having dinner,” says Brenton. There’s also the misconception that date night will naturally lead to intimacy. “After a huge meal and half a bottle of wine, the last thing you feel is sexy. Who feels passionate after half a Beef Wellington?”

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Three Strategies to Foster Connection

Brenton offers three transformative strategies to help couples move beyond routine and reignite their relationship:

1. Reinvented Date Night: Prioritise Fun

Date nights should be about creating shared experiences that spark joy and connection, not rehashing daily stresses. Brenton suggests activities that are novel and engaging, whether it’s a sourdough bread-making class, sundowners after work or even a lamb butchering workshop (which he recommends!). He says, “It doesn’t have to be a big night out. It could be a living room picnic or cocktails at your favourite bar. But no kid talk, work talk or complaining — just fun.” The goal is to create memories and improve communication around shared interests.

2. State of the Union Meeting: Check-In as a Team

Inspired by renowned relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, Brenton suggests a weekly ‘State of the Union’ meeting. He says, “This is not a romantic dinner or fun activity, but a purposeful sit-down to ask honest questions like, ‘How are we doing as a couple? What needs attention? How can I support you this week?’. This practice fosters teamwork and ensures issues are addressed proactively, separate from moments meant for enjoyment.”

3. Intimacy Date: Make Space for Physical Connection

For many couples, intimacy gets sidelined by busy schedules. Brenton suggests scheduling an ‘intimacy date’ (or as he calls it, a “sex date”) to prioritise physical closeness. He says, “It doesn’t have to mean full-on sex. It could be a shower together, naked cuddling or a massage — whatever intimacy means for you as a couple.” By setting aside time for physical connection, couples can break the cycle of dry spells and rebuild comfort with intimacy.

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Navigating Dry Spells

Dry spells, especially common among new parents, can create distance and awkwardness. Brenton stresses that communication is key to overcoming them. “Couples who talk about sex have better sex,” he says. Yet discussions about intimacy are often avoided, making the topic taboo. To break the ice, Brenton recommends tools like the free Gottman Card Deck App or Esther Perel’s Card Deck which prompt couples to discuss desires and preferences in a playful, low-pressure way. “These tools take away the fear of asking, ‘Why are you bringing this up?’ because the question comes from a card, not you,” he says.

Another tip? Start small. Brenton references the Gottmans’ concept of the “six-second kiss” which releases oxytocin and fosters connection. He says, “At the beginning of a relationship, we spend a lot of time kissing. If that’s gotten lost, start there rather than jumping to full-on intimacy.”

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Addressing Brakes and Accelerators

Intimacy often wanes due to external stressors: kids, work or even a messy bedroom. Brenton refers to “brakes” and “accelerators” from Emily Nagoski’s book Come Together to describe what hinders or sparks desire. He says, “Brakes are things that turn you off, like kids in the next room, or a dog staring at you during sex. Accelerators are what make you feel sexy and desired.”

For couples struggling to prioritise intimacy, Brenton advises identifying and addressing these brakes first. For example, if a toddler sleeping in your bed is a barrier, work on transitioning them to their room. If exhaustion is the issue, consider a quick getaway to a hotel for a playful, kid-free evening. “It’s about creating the right space — physical and emotional — for intimacy,” he says.

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Bringing Novelty Back

To keep relationships fresh, Brenton stresses tailoring novelty and romance to each couple’s unique dynamic. “Ask yourselves, ‘What do we do for fun? What’s romantic? What does passion mean to us?’” For some, romance might be flowers; for others, quirky gestures like poems left on iced tea boxes or spontaneous kisses in unconventional places. “Be it quirky, serious or kinky, shine a spotlight on what makes you unique,” he says.

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Frequency Matters, But Flexibility Is Key

While there’s no rigid formula, Brenton suggests aiming for weekly connections. “A quick 10-minute check-in to say ‘What’s coming up this week? How can I support you?’ can make a huge difference,” he says. Fun dates and intimacy sessions may be weekly or biweekly, but aiming for at least once a month helps maintain a healthy connection.

A Special Word for Busy Mums

Brenton acknowledges the particular challenges mothers face juggling endless duties without feeling shamed over a lack of intimacy. “The first step is recognising you need support and having an honest conversation with your partner,” he says. Expressing struggles and working collaboratively to remove brakes like exhaustion, or lack of private time, is essential.

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Invest in Your Relationship

Brenton’s final plea is for couples to treat their relationship like a priority, not an afterthought. “In Hong Kong, people spend thousands on personal training or kids’ activities, but how many invest in their relationship?” he asks. He likens therapy to “personal training for your relationship” and urges couples to seek help early so that issues can be proactively addressed before problems intensify and to prevent deeper rifts from forming.

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Final Thoughts

Brenton distills his wisdom into three core questions: What can you do for fun this week? When will you check in with each other? How can you make space for intimacy? 

Focusing on enjoyment, connection and physical closeness — grounded in open communication — allows couples to move beyond the limitations of typical date nights. For busy parents, especially mothers, starting small, seeking support and remembering that love requires effort, just like any meaningful part of life, is key to a thriving partnership.

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