Opposites Attract: Nealy Fischer on why polarity makes for a successful marriage

We all know that relationships are always easier in the beginning. As you get to know each other, it requires a little more work on both sides. Despite the obstacles that may appear or however the odds are stacked against you, they can all be overcome with a positive starting point and strategy for marital success.

Commitment

To stay together.
When my husband and I got married we made a vow that divorce was not an option. We committed to a lifetime together and made a choice that we’d work things out. Committing to partnership became a daily practice. Commitment has to be the starting point.

Statistically the odds are not in our favour. While researching stats on divorce rates in Asia and the USA for this post, I was surprised to find quite a bit of controversy. Bottom line is that when you set out to get married, you commit to a lifetime together. The reality is that some marriages fail. How many couples do you know that are still happily together? How many parents of friends (or even your own parents) are still together? Focusing on strategies for marital success rather than the odds of failure creates a more positive starting point.

To build something meaningful
Commitment to building a family, having children or participating passionately in community helps to establish a unifying purpose. It makes marriage less about just the two of you and more about building something together. Selfish love transforms into selfless love when you can, as Stephen Covey says, “begin with the end in mind”.

Know where you are going together and commit to that shared vision.

Chemistry

Court each other continually and you won’t be lonely a day in your life.

My friend and relationship therapist, Shannon R. Smith, has taught me about creating and maintaining polarity. At the beginning when you are courting, it’s easy. As time progresses you have to continually work at being lovers and not roommates.

“The reason why relationships have chemistry or passion “in the beginning” is for two main reasons. Polarity and proximity. When two people have close proximity to each other combined with an aggressive “masculine” and an open “feminine” energy (polarity), you have a recipe for passion. If you want magnetic chemistry, make sure there are opposite energies at work to create passion. When men and women come at each other with intensity and control the magnetism is compromised. Men, stay focused and protective. Women, allow yourself to be open, receptive and relaxed.” -Shannon R. Smith

For me, this has meant melting more. More letting go. Consider the polarity between you and your spouse.

How can you create, or recreate the spark?

Cooperation

The day before my wedding my father told me that my future husband and I had each become better people as a result of being together. The key is to maintain your individuality and to respect each other’s growth over the years, but to come together as a team that is stronger than the individual parts.

“What you see is what you’re going to get. If something about your prospective spouse bothers you, but you think that you can change your beloved after you’re married, you’re wrong. Be prepared to live with whatever bothers you—or forget it. Your spouse will undoubtedly change during a long marriage, but not in ways you can predict or control.” – Charles Murray

Grow together. Make decisions as a team. Be willing to let your partner pilot. It’s better to be happy than right.

Consideration

This one sounds obvious, but be considerate and caring. Just be nice to each other! Wish for your spouse to flourish and be successful. As the years go by, tension and anger start to build naturally.

The key to making sure anger doesn’t turn into contempt is constant care and respect.

Contempt and lack of respect, according to Dr. Gottman, relationship guru and one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker, is a factor that contributes strongly to divorce.

Treat your spouse everyday with the same respect you’d like to be treated with. One way to practice respect is to listen to your spouse using active listening skills, body language and verbal cues. Here is a thoughtful article written by Elizabeth Bernstein with common sense tips on how listening creates intimacy, mutual respect and the feeling of being really seen and heard by your partner.

Child’s Play

Kids can create stress on your relationship with your spouse, but they also offer a secret ingredient for a happy marriage: play. And, if you don’t have kids then remember to act like one sometimes!

Be spontaneous. Laugh more often. Do fun things together. Share in life’s adventures.

And finally, spend time as often as possible remembering why you came together in the first place.

I had fun looking at my wedding album while writing this post. When was the last time you looked at yours?

Rekindle your love and commitment daily. Celebrate at any possible opportunity. Love everyday. If you each give more than you demand you will both receive the gift of love.

Nealy’s Sassy Mama Solutions:

With Hong Kong’s hectic work schedule, what advice can you share on spending quality time with your spouse? 

• Schedule in date nights. In my experience, unless we both commit to time together too many other things get slotted in our calendars (or me ending up in pajamas at 7pm!).
• Make each other a priority: Hong Kong life is full and demanding. Identify the difference between whats’s urgent and important. Your marriage is important-make your partner feel special and loved.
• Do things together that you both love.

Are there daily practices you recommend that help to maintain the polarity in marriage?

• Let your man be a man: In our empowered age, we are sending a message to men that we don’t need them anymore because we are so  independent and capable. Let your man know that you need him. Model this for your children so that you raise boys who open doors for women and treat them with respect!
• Don’t fight so hard: There’s little polarity when two people are both pushing. Let go of the need to be right for the need to be loved and stop fighting so hard.
• Carve time out for intimacy: If you aren’t intimate you become roommates not lovers. Enough said.
• Remember why you came together: Rekindle your love for each other by remembering your love in the first place.