How To Talk About Divorce With Kids: An Age-Appropriate Guide

It’s hard for two adults to come to terms with a divorce, let alone for children! Here’s how to broach the matter sensitively for children in different age groups.

We’re just going to put it out there: a divorce is messy. And, when it comes to children, it just gets downright confusing. It’s crucial for parents to handle the matter delicately and, take it from us, it’s best to tell your kids sooner rather than later. Not sure where to start? Bookmark this age-appropriate guide on how to talk to children about a divorce.

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Toddlers and pre-schoolers (ages one to four)

It gets really tricky with the little ones, especially as they’re still trying to understand the world. They’ll have trouble grasping the fact that the two people they love the most won’t live together anymore, and might even act out as a result. Our advice to you is to be patient, and always maintain a calm tone or demeanour. Try to explain it to them in easy-to-understand terms, such as how both of you are going to live in different houses — but that doesn’t mean that either parent loves them any less. Lots of reassurance is key! You can even position it as going for different sleepovers every week to get them excited about the new living arrangements.

You’ll also need to assure them that routines won’t change. They’ll still have the same friends and still read the same books or play with the same toys. Make it a point to retain some normalcy, such as ensuring that storytime before bed occurs at both houses.

Sassy Tip: Try to ease your kid in by doing something special for a little one-on-one bonding time. For example, on your first night in your new house, take the chance to build a little pillow fort in the living room to enjoy together. Or it could also be trying a new dinner recipe. This will be a good way to create new memories, all whilst preserving old traditions.

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Kids who have started school (ages five to nine)

Kids this age understand more, but still fall short of grasping the full picture. They might keep asking for the other parent, or even take the blame upon themselves — thinking that they did something to drive the other parent away. It’s important to emphasise that they in no way contributed to the divorce, and that it doesn’t make them any different from their peers. They’ll definitely have lots of more nuanced questions as compared to the younger ones; it’s good to sit down regularly with your child to provide them a safe space to ask all the questions they want, even if they ask the same question multiple times.

Sassy Tip: Despite a divorce, any set of parents will still have to present a united front. This means talking to your child together, and coming together to troubleshoot any issues that your child might encounter. It’s important to let your child know that both of you still have their back no matter what. A good way to present this unity is to continue having dinner together as a family once a fortnight.

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Tweens (ages 10 to 12)

Unfortunately, tweens might use withdrawal as a coping mechanism. They might want to spend a longer time being out with their friends or be unwilling to discuss how they’re feeling. It’s completely normal! Don’t stop talking to them, and continue with their routines. They might seem as if they’re pushing you away but, really, all they need to know is that you’re still there. Simply give them time, and trust that they’ll come back to you.

We recommend validating their emotions as well; anger, sadness, confusion and frustration are all natural parts of the mix. Understand that they need the time and space to process their emotions, and just be on hand to give them the support they need (and perhaps even secretly crave).

Sassy Tip: Even if your relationship is ending on a bad note, refrain from saying anything bad about your spouse or putting them in a bad light in front of your child. Remember what we said about the united front!

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Teens (ages 13 and up)

Teens are savvy and already know what’s going on. Don’t overload them with information; instead, let them know that you’re always there if they want to clarify anything. Besides, trust is a big factor when it comes to this age group. You have to go all out to keep this trust, and never go back on your word. For example, if one of you makes plans to bring your child out, cancelling only contributes to the feeling of abandonment and resentment. The bottom line is to never make promises that you can’t keep! Teens will appreciate honesty, and can often suss out if you’re keeping something from them. It’s good to be as candid and transparent as you can about the situation.

Sassy Tip: Besides, you don’t have to feel like you’re handling this alone. Sometimes, having an external mediator can help to make all the difference! Feel free to reach out to support groups like Hong Kong Family Welfare Society or the Social Welfare Department Specialised Co-parenting support centres.

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